I am feeling totally tapped out right now (thus the above photo). Sure, lots of wonderful things are going on our our lives, in my photography, in my parenting, in my marriage, and in my creativity … BUT all that is taking a backseat (like, a backseat on the back of a very long bus) because my family has been experiencing some highly emotional “stuff” right now. Though I know in my heart that it is all temporary, it doesn’t stop me from feeling the pain of it all in the here and now.
For starters, my Daddy goes in for open heart surgery tomorrow at 5am. And though I know in my brain that all will go well … my heart is aching at the mere thought of losing my Daddy … no matter how slim the possibility may be. Secondly, my brother – whom I love so dearly that it hurts – is going through some pain right now that I would do anything to take away from him. He is private about this, so I will not explain here. But I think of him every minute of the day and wonder what wisdom I can impart that would miraculously take his pain away … to no avail. Then, my sister – the woman who means more to me than she will ever know – is also experiencing some turmoil in her life that – although I know the outcome of it will be far more wonderful than she can see right now – her tears are breaking my heart. And I again, seek wisdom to help her through this (though she has always been far wiser than me). Next, (as if this weren’t enough) my husband is on the brink of losing his job at a time when the economy is at its worst. Not a good feeling. We know we will get by … and in fact, we welcome some change, but change takes getting used to … and the “man of the house” feels much pressure and anxiety over how to take care of his family under these circumstances. Oh and then there is my best friend who is has been given a medical diagnosis that is freaking her out … and is awaiting more tests to fully diagnosis her condition. I wait with her and pray for the best.
So, there is alot
going on around here. And though I know that we – as a family – will all get through this together – I feel “tapped out” right now. I want to change everyone’s
pain, calm their fears, save them from themselves (in some cases), and wave a magical wand to release all suffering. BUT, I totally recognize that walking through suffering and pain, brings us closer to our greatest selves, our greatest joys … and closer to our soul’s purpose. So, it must be what it must be. And the doors that will open at the end of my loved ones’ journeys through their pains will be more miraculous than I could ever dream. I know – I have been there. And I have witnessed the beauty of the transformations of others as well. So, I trust. Or, I try to … except when I want to kick the asses of those who have recently wronged both my brother and my sister … but hey, I am no Thich Nhat Han
I hope you recognize that this post is not a pity party for me – or anyone else. Just a telling of the TEMPORARY dark areas that we have found ourselves in …. so that I can later tell you of the beauty and light that comes of it all in the near future. And I suppose this post also serves as an explanation of why my posts have been so erratic these days and will likely continue to be for a little while.
I thank you all for your prayers, your friendships, and your inspirations. You are amazing gifts to me, and I hope I have given you some beauty in return.
In hope and love,
P.S. Shameless promotion: the above photo is available in my shop: http://www.jlrphotography.etsy.com.